I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
