afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
