at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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