My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
