I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
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Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
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Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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