The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
