She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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