and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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