The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
