the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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