dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
