Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
