I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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