Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
