i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
