If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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