I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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