she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
