I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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