walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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