Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
