How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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