life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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