i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
