I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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