my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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