no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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