i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
