who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
