just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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