I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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