You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just threw up on my dentist
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
