my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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