I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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