we have pet lesbian snakes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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