Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Panties = found
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