If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
