i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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