So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
