I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she woke up with a sticky ear
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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