The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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