When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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