Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
