Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
