He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
