don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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