I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
