Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
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I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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