I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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