My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
