Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
