Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
