Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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