I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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