She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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