I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
