Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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